21 Apr Talking to Your Own Head
“First sign of madness, talking to your own head.”
– J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“I do that,” Emma whispered, looking up from the giant Harry Potter book in her lap.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“In Harry Potter,” she continued, “it said the first sign of madness is talking to your own head. I talk to my head all the time. Yesterday, after I tried to do a handstand for one minute and I couldn’t, my head told me I would never ever be able to do it.” Her voice lowered, as if revealing a deep secret. “…and then I was so full of madness.” She looked alarmed.
It’s true – talking to our heads is exactly where our feelings come from. We tend to think our responses to situations happen automatically. And we tend to blame them directly on a situation, saying, “He made me mad.” We leap directly from the event to the feeling.
But there’s more to the sequence. When we encounter a situation – especially a situation that didn’t go as well as we would like – the first thing that happens is we talk to ourselves. Yet, the conversation partners in our heads are usually not uplifting cheerleaders but rude little critics.
“You will never be able to do it,” Emma’s self-talk scoffs.
This little critic only gets louder. By the time we are adults, approximately 80-90% of our self-talk is unhelpful. It tends to lower our moods and leads to a range of other problems.
“I fail at everything I do.”
“I say the stupidest things.”
“I should be farther along by now.”
“It’s all my fault.”
Our inner dialogue becomes the voice that narrates our experiences unless we decide to tell ourselves a different story.
So how do we stop it? We learn to change the way we think. We find ways to talk to ourselves that are more helpful. We focus on small ways we can improve rather than criticizing ourselves excessively or making things seem more gigantic than they really are.
One specific way is to think of someone supportive in your life. Imagine what he or she might say to you about the situation. In other words, train your brain to become a more objective, affirming and empathic conversation partner rather than a critical little bully.
After all, you are the source of that mental chatter. If it’s downright rude or unkind, refuse to listen until it has something helpful to say.