27 Oct Meeting People Where They Are
When an 80-year-old patient was establishing primary care with my husband a few years ago, she ended the visit by saying, “I’m a hugger. May I give you a hug?” Though there is strong evidence in clinical medicine that touch is helpful for healing, my husband is not a big hugger. He would certainly have preferred a handshake or a gentle pat on the shoulder, but he leaned in and gave the patient a hug. The woman grinned and said, “Now isn’t that nice?” Likely noticing the awkwardness of his embrace, she laughed and told him, “Okay, you’re not good at that. Let’s fist bump instead.” He laughed. So that’s what they did. Every visit. It became their thing.
Over the years, this patient has become one of his favorites. She shows up early for her appointments. She has opinions about the ties he wears and doesn’t like it when his hair is cut too short. She is feisty and will tell him bluntly what she thinks about his suggestions to eat a healthier diet. She brings him little plastic bags full of figs from her backyard trees.
Last week, this woman was diagnosed with cancer. She came in to discuss her diagnosis and next steps. She was understandably scared. She listened and nodded. There were no feisty remarks. She still brought a bag of figs.
After a long discussion, the woman stood up to leave the room. “One more thing…” my husband said. “May I give you a hug?” he asked, his arms outstretched. She began to cry in his arms.
My husband was telling me this story. “I was so surprised I said that,” he said, shaking his head, “It is something completely outside of my comfort zone.” I listened as he processed the unexpected hug. He was bewildered that he had initiated something he normally backs away from.
Compassion often means moving outside of our comfort zones. That is what compassion asks of us – to step outside of ourselves and our own preferences and instead prioritize the needs of others. When we see someone suffering and choose compassion, we show our willingness to try to do something to relieve the other person’s suffering.
Meeting people where they are often relates to the things we say. It influences the way we respond to others’ needs, preferences and level of readiness. It may involve offering information or materials that are relevant and timely. Sometimes, though, meeting people where they are is an act we can do quite literally – taking a step toward someone to offer our physical presence and support. Meeting someone where they are can mean holding them up, letting them fall apart and reminding them they aren’t alone. Ram Dass once said, “We’re all just walking each other home.” Sometimes we need a compassionate arm around us to take the steps that are extra hard.