31 May From Conflict to Connection
I cut someone off in traffic yesterday. I like to think I’m a good driver, but this was my error. I pulled right out in front of this car, and the other driver had to slam on his brakes to avoid running into me.
I was shaken up.
The other driver was mad. Really mad. I could tell because of the gestures he made in my direction and the length of time he honked his horn.
I stayed back, keeping a safe distance and focusing on being a better driver.
Continuing on my way, I found myself behind him in a turn lane and then behind him in another turn lane. It became obvious that we were going to the same place—Emma’s school.
I did not like this realization.
I was in the right lane of the two-lane pickup line, and he was in the left. Our cars were side by side. My window was open to show Emma’s pick-up placard.
He rolled down his passenger window.
“Learn how to drive!” he yelled from his open window into mine. (He said some other things, too.)
He was still really mad.
What I wanted to say was, “Calm down, it was a mistake. You’re fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine.” But I knew that would only escalate things.
Instead, I let him vent and then, thinking that I did not want an enemy who might potentially be the parent of one of Emma’s friends, I said, “I cut you off, and I’m sorry. You have every right to be mad. I put us both in danger.”
“Yeah, you did,” he said. But his voice was calmer.
“Thank you for responding so quickly,” I added.
“Be more careful next time, okay?” he replied. His voice was softer. It sounded almost caring.
We are imperfect people who make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. That’s what makes us human.
And though we are prone to defensiveness and slipping into language that distances as a reflexive response to conflict, we have a choice to respond in a way that amplifies or de-escalates.
The most disarming approach is usually to come alongside by suppressing responses that might add fuel to the fire and instead respond in an empathic way that acknowledges the person’s perspective.
While we can’t control how the other person responds, we can do our part to repair the divide and restore connection.
We steer through communication with others as we steer through the road—thinking about the direction we want the interaction to go and recognizing there is a choice in where we go next.