02 Nov Beyond the Mask: Embracing Genuineness
We are quick to spot the absence of genuineness in communication. When talking with someone, we notice if they are using words that seem memorized or scripted. Our ears are tuned to hear when someone is hiding themselves by being overly detached and objective or keeping too much of themselves out of an exchange.
Though the presence of genuineness is somewhat harder to define, we know it when we hear it and implicitly trust people who respond in ways that are uniquely their own. Their words and tone and facial expressions allow us to sense their authenticity.
Just this week, I spotted an adorable display of genuineness in our neighbor Alexander.
It was Halloween night, and the children in our neighborhood were scampering from house to house. Our 5-year-old neighbor, Alexander, was dressed up as Elvis. He wore a sparkly white jumpsuit with a gold belt, a black wig and golden glasses. He walked with confidence and carried a bedazzled toy guitar around his neck.
Alexander was strumming his toy guitar as he walked in front of us with his parents. He approached the Thompsons’ house and rang the bell all by himself. Mrs. Thompson opened the door and crouched down, holding a bowl of candy on her lap.
“Trick or treat,” Alexander said in his best Elvis voice. He picked a lollipop out of the bowl and then mimicked Elvis Presley’s famous catchphrase, saying, “Thank you, thank you very much.” His voice sounded low and heavy with a bit of a Southern drawl.
Mrs. Thompson feigned ignorance and fanned herself as she exclaimed, “Oh my goodness, Elvis himself is at my door!”
Little Alexander paused. He looked perplexed. Then he took the sunglasses off and brought his innocent little face closer to Mrs. Thompson’s.
“It’s me, Mrs. Thompson, it’s me, the real Alexander saying thank you!” he exclaimed in a very different voice.
“Listen to my real voice. This is my Alexander voice. Do you remember me now?” he asked Mrs. Thompson, urging her to see through his costume to know it was Alexander saying thank you for the lollipop.
“I knew it was you, Alexander; I was just pretending,” Mrs. Thompson said. Her voice had now returned to the real Mrs. Thompson voice as well. She held out her arms to give Alexander a hug.
So often we put on some kind of mask or try to play a particular role or conceal our true selves when we are trying to do something “right.” This effortful cleverness happens most when we are new to something, perhaps like Alexander trying to be the perfect Elvis on Halloween or maybe when we are trying new communication skills that feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. Not wanting someone to see through our newness, we hide ourselves in some way, hoping people won’t see through the facade.
As we attempt to try on and use strategies and skills to improve our communication with others, one of the most helpful things we can do is to be ourselves; bringing our humanity into what we do and responding in ways that are uniquely and authentically our own. The most perfect words will fall flat without the heart of authenticity. When we bring genuineness to our interactions with others, we offer our true selves and reassure others that they are talking with a real person, not a skillful front.
In a world that often encourages us to wear masks, we are drawn to people who are brave enough to reveal their true selves. It is nice when we know we are dealing with a person, first.
The air was filled with the sweetness of Halloween candy as I watched Alexander and Mrs. Thompson enjoy the even sweeter joy of being true to themselves and each other.