18 Jan Hesitate to Ask
The email from Ella’s teacher contained lots of detailed information about the upcoming week of standardized testing. I scrolled quickly through the lengthy email, reading about changing drop off and pick up times, what materials students should bring, and what supplies they should leave at home.
The teacher meant to sign off the email with the commonly used closing, “If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask,” but a rogue period must have slipped in and so the message read:
“If you have any questions please don’t. Hesitate to ask.”
Feeling a twinge of guilt, I recalled the two questions I had in mind while skimming the email. Despite being certain it was a typo, the directive, “hesitate to ask”, made me reluctant to respond with my questions.
Instead, I decided to revisit the email, this time with greater attention. And I realized that the questions I wanted to ask were actually addressed within the email.
So often we don’t hesitate to ask. The first thing that usually occurs to us in both written and verbal communication is to ask questions. In an attempt to learn more, clarify meaning, or help someone move toward a solution, we tend to lead with questions. Lots of them. Often when people are speaking to us (or we are reading an email from our children’s school), we are formulating questions rather than bringing our full attention to what’s being shared.
There is indeed room for asking questions in good communication, but there are also important limitations. When we are having a conversation with someone, a barrage of questions can distance the person from what they are experiencing and put a subtle pressure on them that can, at times, lead to defensiveness. This is especially true when we interject with solution-focused questions such as, “Have you thought about…” or “What if you…”
Breaking the habit of over-relying on questions is part of developing effective communication skills. It’s a nice reminder, whether you are reading a detailed email or listening to someone sharing their experience, that there is wisdom in hesitating to ask.
After all, sometimes, in that pause, you might find out that the answers were there all along.