What We Look For
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What We Look For

28 Nov What We Look For

Posted at 07:00h in Uncategorized by

Thanksgiving is a time for connection, but it can also bring out old beliefs that color how we see our family and ourselves. Maybe you expect a relative to criticize your choices or feel certain someone will comment on your appearance. These beliefs can take over, shaping every glance or comment into confirmation of the story you’ve already told yourself.

The Dartmouth Scar Experiment, led by Dr. Robert Kleck, offers an insightful parallel. In the study, participants were told they would take part in a series of interviews. Before the interviews began, a makeup artist applied realistic-looking scars to half of the participants’ faces and showed them the scars in a mirror. After participants saw themselves with the prominent scar, the makeup artist removed the mirror and claimed to be doing some final touch-ups. In reality, she completely removed the scars, leaving all participants appearing exactly as they normally would. The participants then engaged in the interviews, with half believing they had a disfiguring scar visible to the interviewer.

Those who believed they had the scar reported being treated differently during the interviews and told researchers they experienced feelings of judgment, rejection and discomfort. Meanwhile, participants who knew they appeared normally did not report these feelings.

The striking conclusion? The participants’ beliefs about how others would see them led them to twist the facts to fit their expectations. The imagined scar, invisible to everyone else, shaped how they interpreted interactions and felt about themselves.

Family gatherings can feel the same way. If you walk in expecting judgment, a casual “How’s your job?” might sound like a critique. If you believe you’re being excluded, a cousin’s silence might feel intentional. In truth, most people are caught up in their own concerns, thinking about their own “scars.”

The stories we carry—about ourselves and others—shape what we see. Expectations influence perception, and what we look for is what we tend to find. If you’re scanning for signs you don’t belong, you’ll find them. If you expect judgment, it will appear. So often, the “scar” isn’t even there—it’s just the way we’ve trained ourselves to see.

This Thanksgiving, may you discover the beauty of seeing others—and yourself—with fresh eyes and an open heart.