06 Feb Beyond Small Talk
On a recent flight to a meeting where I was going to be talking about the science of human connection, I found myself seated next to a mom and her young son. As we settled in, she gave me a quick smile.
“He gets a little nervous on planes,” she said, adjusting his seatbelt. “He downloaded a movie to take his mind off the flight.”
The boy, maybe seven years old, was pulling out his iPad with fidgety hands, his eyes darting toward the window as the plane rumbled beneath us.
“What movie are you going to watch?” I asked.
“Inside Out 2!” he said quickly.
For those unfamiliar, Inside Out 2 is the sequel to Pixar’s film about the emotions inside a child’s mind. In the first movie, the emotions Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust helped guide a young Riley through her life. But in this sequel, as Riley enters adolescence, new emotions move in—Envy, Anxiety, Embarrassment, and Ennui.
I smiled. “Which character are you most excited to see?”
He hesitated for a second. “Anxiety! Because I haven’t met her yet.”
His mom gave a small smile as the plane lurched forward, and the little boy gripped the iPad more tightly.
“What do you think Anxiety will be like?” I asked.
“Probably kind of bossy,” he said. “Like, always telling Riley what could go wrong.” He paused. “I hope she’s nice, though.”
And just like that, we were talking—not about the movie, but about something real. He kept going, wondering if Anxiety would get along with Fear, if Joy would try to stop her, if Riley would even like having her around. He talked about how he felt being the only one of his friends who hadn’t seen the movie yet and feeling left out of those conversations. I told him I knew what he meant, and that I sometimes feel left out when people are talking about shows that I haven’t yet seen.
The plane accelerated and lifted off the ground. He didn’t notice. His iPad sat untouched in his lap.
It was such a small moment, but it stuck with me. Because all it took was one meaningful question—one that invited him to share what he really thought—and suddenly, we weren’t just chit-chatting. We were connecting.
Social psychologists have studied this exact phenomenon, showing that people want to have deeper conversations, even with strangers. In one study, commuters who were asked to engage with fellow passengers in meaningful conversation reported feeling happier, more connected, and having a more positive experience than those who kept to themselves—even though they had assumed talking would be awkward, unwelcome or unrewarding.
We tend to hold ourselves back, assuming others don’t want to engage. But less small talk actually makes us happier, and those deeper conversations are likely to be far less uncomfortable than we expect.
Connection isn’t magic. It’s not luck or chemistry or something that just happens. It’s a skill—one we can practice, refine, and use to turn everyday conversations into connection. A thoughtful question. A willingness to listen. And maybe, if it feels right, even sharing something about ourselves, too.
So next time you’re sitting next to a stranger, try it. Ask something real. You might be surprised by what happens next.